New Earth Wisdom

It’s not that I just want to zone out or tune out. I want to be okay being relaxed.

So I try imagining myself ice skating to fall asleep. I get sleepy, and then as I turn and twist I feel this heaviness come over me and.. I’m falling asleep!

Oh shit, that excitement about falling asleep woke me up. It happens every time.

Now my daughter is crying endlessly and I can’t help. I don’t feel it’s okay to relax. What kind of monstrous person would that make me, if I wasn’t caffeinatedly shuffling back and forth across the hall just awaiting her mood to shift ever so slightly so I can be there?

Why am I like this?

I mean, I know, I was trained. And after being held at gunpoint, something in me shifted in a way that has made it a feat to take a nap or get a good night’s sleep ever since.

Hyper. Vigilance.

Wired to be wired.

Programmed to be programmed.

So much so.. that relaxing feels like it’s going to kill me.

I’m pretty sure relaxing might kill me. Or someone will die or suffer something terrible while I was on watch.

Wait, who put me on watch? Whoever it was hasn’t given me a break in some decades.

What would I tell myself when this happened to ease it?

I see my twelve year old self finally stop crying, and to many people, they thought I was okay. I had learned to suffer silently. I remained hyper vigilant and waited on pins and needles for the world to explode because I stopped paying attention for just a second.

So I tell my twelve year old self who was held at gunpoint, rage! Cry! Scream! And do all the fucking things you are scared to do- right now! Do not let this get stuck! You will one day have a twelve year old girl who will need you to be…

Relaxed? Maybe she does.. maybe she needs her Mom to relax a bit.

I know I’d be better if I was relaxed, as though I’d just slept 24 hours and was able to make a beautiful, symmetrical yawn. But that shit is for movies.

I am too tired to keep dredging through this inner work.

And yet, I must continue

One day, my daughter will have a Mom who can relax

Because if she doesn’t.. who will ever be able to teach her?