New Earth Wisdom

I was raised by two narcissists. My mother was the type who, if she was not the most special person in the room, found leverage, raised hell and found a way to torture everyone who made her feel inferior. She would program me to believe she had the best of intentions but then she would paint over things that weren’t perfect with a new story and I had to agree, or it felt like exile and death. She held the power in the family.

My Father was a different sort. He had his mother taken away at a young age and had a rough childhood which left him with panic attacks. By far, he used me the most to feel all the emotions he couldn’t feel himself, and to use me to keep his secrets buried. That wasn’t hard, because my Mother would kill me for knowing them.

There I sat, between two narcissists both wanting my help or needing me to feel a certain way constantly. I thought that when they finally divorced that I would be okay. And, sure, they dated a few people, but they both chose narcissists.

My step-father met me for the first time and started telling me what to do immediately. When this wouldn’t work, he would find a way to shame and blame me. He was loud, aggressive, and just like my Father, would barge in even if I needed privacy; even if I was naked. He once tried to mine my therapist for information and also tried to take me to a psychiatric institute when I was perfectly healthy.

My step-mother was an alcoholic, like my Father, who decided she hated me in a weird way upon meeting me. Instead of doing anything else, she would whisper, “let’s have sex in front of her” in my Father’s ear or make out with him when I would walk in the door. She left me messages threatening to kill me. However, she was too drunk to succeed and I continued to show up numerous times when she OD’d.

In the midst of the four narcissists, I got away. I awoke and realized what was draining me and eating me alive and I got out. Three years away from my Father helped me heal some intense shadows. A year away from my co-dependent Mother and step-Father had me in a place where I was able to be completely free for the first time in my life, and was able to regain balance, health and financial freedom.

It was only a matter of time before they tried to reach out. My Father was first, and my body began to react so violently that I felt I was dying. I immediately stopped texting back.

This story happened on a yesterday, and it unfolded first in the spirit world. I woke up with my throat closed energetically and couldn’t talk.

After hours of finally clearing as much as I could, the words “I don’t know what to do” came out with tears and pain and more rage than I could contain. My ancestors held my head and feet as I wailed and screamed endlessly, allowing the poison to escape. I didn’t know why so much clearing in one day, but it would soon make sense.

I continued to clear and felt it next in my heart, as I walked my dog. The pain was so bad I would double over and cry and then try to regain myself.

Next on the walk, I felt the presence of my mother and step-father appear near me. I walked away from them multiple times, feeling the freedom it came with. I had no idea why they were appearing and that I was feeling the energy near me for a reason.

This story is about my step-Father who we will call ND. Not for any other reason than I named him “Narcissi Desperado” in my phone. So ND shows up at the door, and to make it more complicated, I own the house with my parents. Years ago I was sick and my parents promised to help but promised to help only if I went into debt. I didn’t see how foolish this was at eighty pounds and the struggle to be okay constantly. Recently, my partner and I have taken care of all the house needs and paid the bills. Except one.

ND shows up because he knows that. he could always corner me when I was ill and make me cry about money. I didn’t have any, so it was easy to blame and shame me and tell me, with a five million dollar house and an Audi and one of this gigantic cars that his life was severely impacted by my medical expenses. So I continued to cry, get sick, and as the cycle continued, he became the “hero” for “helping me” to the others he performs for.

The first mask he wore on this yesterday was one of pointed blame, intended to rope me back into a dysfunctional cycle. I couldn’t get out of the car before he ran over and knocked on the window, as he had been waiting at the door. He immediately begins saying he couldn’t reach me and was angry. He raves about the bill, and I look at him calmly and say, “I will take care of it”.

He insists on coming in to have a look around, which I think is okay at the time because he partially owns the property. However, when I said I could care for the bill his aggression mask went on. “You think you can cover it?”, he said. “How about you just get out of the house and I’ll just pay you what we owe you”, he said quickly.

I paused for a moment. He balked. I told him that his number wasn’t accurate, and that I had done the research. I also told him the amount of time and money it would take on his end. No response.

He turns to my partner and begins, with the aggression mask, to accuse him of anything and everything. My partner, so well versed with this, cut him off immediately by naming it. “Are you always so aggressive?” was all he had to ask before another mask, and another play.

ND then performs the next act: the loving “Father”. “I just want to help you”, “I’m your Father”, and other words that I barely remember because they didn’t land come out of his mouth. “Okay”, I say. Giving nothing.

ND does not help. He typically makes more of a mess wherever he goes, and I know this.

ND gets my Mother on the phone to try to sweet talk my partner when I walked away, leaving him with an “ew” feeling, knowing that the sickly sweet voice is coated in toxic sugar and not love.

ND tries once again to trigger my guilt and shame by showing me the bill in two other formats. The bill, that I will pay, and is no longer in play. Eerily I notice as he makes a huge deal out of how much this hurts him and my wealthy mother financially he gazes at me intently, awaiting the old response of self-erasure. It doesn’t come.

ND finally says he just wants to take me and my kids out to dinner. The last time I saw him, and even this time, threats flew wildly. I immediately say “no”, so sure and so assured that he is taken off balance for a moment.

He offers to do something for the house and my partner and I decline.

The performer is out of masks. He checks his empty bag, but decides to ask for a hug from me and sure, why not. To me, it’s another good-bye. It’s a: thank you for playing your role so thoroughly that I know who I am now, without you or the other three narc parents, and so I can finally, finally move on.

Later I realized: if I hadn’t lost my voice in the morning and processed my rage, it may have been misplaced. If I hadn’t have cried earlier, I may have cried. And if I hadn’t walked away from the vision of ND and my mother I wouldn’t have said “no” so bluntly.

So yea, spirits help you with narcissists! The complication is that you have to be on the side of truth, and when you are, they will show up for you.

Here I am, moving on. There is a void here, where I am still figuring out who I am outside of the mess I was dealt and then felt trapped in for half my life. However, within this void will rise the greatest and most authentic potential and energy. Of that I am assured. Without being told I am dumb, sick or anything else I feel free to remind myself every day that the love I feel- that intense love that only an empath who has given half their life knows- it goes to me first now.