New Earth Wisdom

Hey, Daddy, I know I’m only five but you hit me pretty hard when I was having fun and I didn’t understand why. You said a lot of things so fast I didn’t understand and was so surprised that you were hitting me that it hurt a lot more. Should I not have fun? What if I was safe?

Hey Mommy, I know I’m only six but when you told me you’d be traveling for work and couldn’t be with me for a long time, I cried because I was so afraid of my Dad but I didn’t have the words. You told me to cry but you looked blank, like I was feeling it for you too. I didn’t feel met or embraced, or felt that it would ever be okay. What would it have been like if I was safe?

Hey parents, I know I’m still only six, but when we drove two hours as a surprise to get me a beautiful white cat knowing I’d always wanted a pet, I was overjoyed. However, once home when I was thinking of a name and playing with my new kitty, I saw you both cowering in the corner of the yard. When I asked what was wrong you said I had to give my kitty back. I named him Rainbow. Following this I named everything as it was: white kitty, black bear, so I would never get attached. That day, you made me drive all that way back and hand the kitty back myself with tears that wouldn’t stop for days. What if there was a better way?

Hey Dad, I know I’m only seven, but your friend pulled my pants down in front of your other friends and made fun of my body. You said it was okay but it didn’t feel okay. What if I was safe?

Hey Dad, I know I’m only seven, but you told me my goldfish was dying at midnight and I don’t know why. Now we are driving to the vet and you keep driving off the road, saying we can’t get there. Once you remembered they were closed, but I’m worried we aren’t safe. What if I was safe?

Hey Dad, I know I’m only eight, but when you locked me in that stranger’s basement so you could be alone with her for hours, you didn’t leave a light on or leave me with a clock. I know you handed me this toy but I’m really scared and I have no idea what’s going on. I’ll keep trying to breathe but it’s hard. What if I was safe?

Hey Mom, I know I’m only eight, but ever since I was young you have stopped talking to me for days or weeks if I agree with my Dad or if I ever question you out of curiosity. When you stop talking to me and tell me you don’t love me, I don’t feel loved. I feel like I have no one in the world unless you decide you love me again. What if I was safe?

Hey parents, I know I’m only eight, but your fights are getting worse at night and you keep making me drink alcohol and take pills. Often, however, I am the only one able to support you both and tell you you’re okay which takes a lot of the night. When you fight and there is blood everywhere, I get scared. I stepped on a broken piece of glass this morning after you both broke all the dishes last night and I’m hurt. What if I was safe?

Hey Dad, I know I’m only eight, but when I fell and cut myself on the way for you to play tennis with your friends I was bleeding pretty bad. You gave me four towels that I soaked in blood and told me to be quiet but I’m in pain and I can’t stop bleeding. I don’t feel safe. What if this was safe?

Hey parents, I know I’m only nine but when Dad gets his gun and he’s angry I get really scared. Your fights are getting worse and you unplugged the phone so I can’t call 911. I watch you all night as you hurt each other and I try to help you both, but last night you both made me choose which one I loved and I could only choose one. I had to choose Mom or she wouldn’t talk to me anymore.

Hey Dad, I know I’m only nine but you never taught me how to do the laundry. You got really mad after you were drinking that I didn’t know how and said I was useless and wasteful. You made me eat the last bite of my breakfast I was too full for out of the trash, covered in other trash. Then you made me burn all of my clothes to show that I was incapable of having them. I don’t have any clothes to wear but what I have on now. What if I was safe?

Hey Dad, I know I’m only ten and you get me drunk often but this time was different. Your friends made my friends and I watch weird adult stuff on television in a darkened room and made us drink something and learn how to shoot guns. We all passed out and woke up in a dark room with clothes missing and other men. One of the girls can’t talk and the other can’t remember. What do I do? What if I was safe?

Hey parents, I know I’m only eleven but the fight last night where Dad chased Mom and I into two rooms and kicked down the doors to hold us at gunpoint was terrifying. I am still in shock and I don’t know if I will ever be okay. What if I was safe?

Hey Mom, I know I’m only eleven but you have been in a closet for three days and won’t talk to me but you look at me like you’ve never met me. You won’t eat or drink but I keep bringing things to you. I don’t know what’s wrong. Dad tried to get me to put a straw with powder up my nose but I said no. Was that the right thing to do? Mom? What if I was safe?

Hey Dad, I am now here with you because Mom isn’t coming out of the closet but you are drunk now for the third day in a row. I keep leaving you water because I’m so scared you’ll die but you keep knocking it over and asking for alcohol. I don’t know what to do. What if I was safe?

Hey Mom, I acted out at some point and you told me you just couldn’t have me so I have now been on my own living with other homeless friends for some time. Once you called the cops and got me back but I hyperventilated and couldn’t breathe at home. When you went through another break up, you made me get out even though I didn’t have food. Today I finally got some food after three days, and it is so good. Oddly enough, I feel more safe.

Hey Mom, you will never read this. You never read anything I write. All my childhood you told me many of these things were secrets, and later told me they never happened. At some point Dad admitted it so you had to as well but when you tell the “stories” you are always the victim or the hero and I’m not even there. Now that I am safe I am expressing what I was told to repress because I stopped asking if I am to blame or for what I should be shamed, as I stopped playing your games. I held onto the truth for too long, and I set it free now.

Hey parents, I realized when I was older that even though you told me I was worthless, unable and stupid my whole life that it wasn’t true. I realized that you were the ones using me, and not the other way around. Not because you were horrible people, but because you were hurt people who didn’t know how to heal. So I found a way to let you both go, lovingly. Now I am safe. Now, after such a long time, I have finally found my way home to safety.

Hey self, thanks for never giving up. I know you adapted your best to every situation and you survived some tough stuff but I hope you know I always love you. In this way, I will make sure that it is always safe because you deserve, for once in your life, to know that you are safe my love 🙂