New Earth Wisdom

I was in my late twenties I realized I was being abused in a home with parents, due to the fact that I couldn’t yet live alone. Despite the late night harassments where they would barge into my room to call me “lazy” and continuously yell, “what the fuck is wrong with you?”, I somehow began to heal.

I started to spend as much time as possible in a place that I could afford that offered Feldenkrais®, Qi Gong, T’ai Chi, water aerobics and Yoga. When I wasn’t there (or breaking with a sauna or shower), I was with a friend. A month prior I was using a walker, and suddenly things changed for the better.

An instinct told me to leave my parents quickly and head to New Mexico with friends. I chose to get a cat who went with me everywhere, and I was ready. However, I was still on a lot of symptom management drugs, especially pain medication. I decided to go anyways.

The person I went to New Mexico with and drove with had a psychotic break around Kansas. With the cat either on my shoulder or secretly hiding in a cheap motel, I was unsure of what to do when he suddenly said in a lobby “I don’t know you!” and began to lose his grip on reality. Long story short, he tried dealing with this in New Mexico with alcohol. When things got worse, he took off to do ministry work. I had another friend who was more steady that my kitty and I would stay with.

Once reaching New Mexico, I came off of every drug in two days. It was hard, but I still found a dojo and went daily despite the hardship. I did Qi Gong twice a day AND when I felt overwhelmed, which was a lot of Qi Gong. My friend teased that in an emergency he would tell his mom on the phone, “oh, Katie? Yea she’s just like doing Qi Gong again” with a sarcastic tone, but I kept it up. When I needed him most, he encouraged me to “put my big girl panties on”, and I love that douchebag because he got me moving when it was hard. He also noticed I was eighty pounds, got me eating delicious Mexican food and his Mom’s cooking and I started to feel healthy again.

This douchebag was a long time friend, one whose family had hid me so I wouldn’t be abused at home. He was also now a Shaman.

We decided together that Salvia would be something I would try. I should mention the levels: purple is extreme, red is a journey, and green and yellow are more mild. So, of course, we went with purple.

He set up the ceremony and I listened to him chant and sage and clear the energy. When it was time to smoke it, I took a little hit twice and he kept saying, “as big as you can!”. So, I listened.

My body turned into columns of things that represented life as the columns came apart. Rows of grocery carts, babies, and other worldly items became my body and took it completely apart. I realized that I was dying and I thought that I had, in fact, died and that this was a weird and crazy transition. I had become everything and was turning into nothing, being pulled apart with strips dancing in opposite direction rhythmically.

In the midst of all of it, I could hear drum beats. There was rhythm to this coming apart. It felt like a dance that I could not enjoy because I was, I thought, dying. I wanted to scream but without a body, I had no mouth.

Quite quickly I went from horrified to making peace with what happened, and then I felt a freedom wash over me as I was suddenly whisked away into the sky to see the world from above. I didn’t have a body but I could feel my presence, as though a star in the sky. I felt happy even without my body, feeling like this was all one thing, this world.

I fell down slowly and then quickly transitioned again to a jungle. Here, I had a monkey body and I felt instinct. I heard the drum beats again get louder and I jumped from vine to vine, feeling oh so free…

The drum beats got quieter and I opened my eyes to see I was back in the room where this all began. It was quiet; no drum beats. My friend was holding me to support me as I came to sit up, and I felt the presence of him there with me the whole time and I was grateful.

After trying Salvia, I had a renewed energy that helped me to choose things that were healthy and build a life that I was proud of. A year later I got pregnant with my first child.

Now, just to note, most experiences like this take time to integrate. In between the two places I had a few weeks of misery, because more of my ego had to shed so I could become more whole.

I also had to deal with the anger I had at my parents. The parents who insisted on these drugs over herbs because I was too weak or uninformed to make the decision (when I knew the herb shop was for me!). My Mom worked with famous Doctors who thought conventional medicine was the only clear path, and if you lived in her house, you had to agree. The parents who got me arrested for smoking pot to relieve pain so I could try to come off of my pain killers. The parents who used me as a convenient sad story to point the finger far away from the obvious abuse and alcoholism within themselves. However, during my misery, my stepdad showed up without words and with presence and that was pretty amazing.

The joy my life took on a year and many years following the experience were consistently linked back for me. If I hadn’t been brave enough to leave the bad situation I was in, I would never have had the chance to feel who I truly was and to learn to trust myself.

I moved back to the area where I lived on the East Coast, but not with my parents. I stayed sane by keeping distance from them. Everyone else in my life, especially my yoga, Feldenkrais® and Qi Gong teachers wanted to know what changed. My wise, T’ai Chi teacher already knew. She would end up being my doula, and getting me through something that usually required a C-section. Having someone stand up for me was just what I planned, knowing my parents couldn’t accept me as and adult (and even told me I would never make a good mother, and would later refuse to see me or the baby because they weren’t center stage…) Needless to say, I did ACOA like a lot of days during the week while pregnant. We can’t undo what our parents did, but we can learn to be different instead of opposite. And I was, in fact, different. The salvia brought me back, in time, to my true nature.

Also to note: Many people feel or hear, or if they can, even play drums on Salvia. There are many books about this combination. Also, always try hallucinogens with Shamans or Practitioners or some kind of outside help. When we are unfamiliar with the effects, it is best to have a knowledgable person with us.

Lastly, I want to argue against long standing beliefs: using a hallucinogen is a number one way to stop a habit. Hallucinogens are not addictive (believe me, you would not want this experience every day!) Against old beliefs, I think there is an essential place for these in our lives if we so choose. For example, in my old herbal canbinet, pre-kids, I would have “cannabis” for light dosing in tea or food, and “psylocibin” for micro dosing in tea. It’s important not to call these essential tools by street names because they deserve the correct name and are not to be dulled down. (These days I am a guide for others on psylocibin, and have a relationship with the plant where I receive guidance for myself and others that have long-standing effects).

Last note: During the depression that followed, I was not able to regain a sense of being okay. I micro-dosed psylocibin during the worst of what felt insurmountable under the guidance of someone versed more-so than I. The first thing I noticed was how beautiful the sunset was. I needed a reminder of what I already knew but had forgotten temporarily. Still after, I used salvia leaves in tea which creates a mild feeling of open minded curiosity that had me read a whole Alan Watts Book in one sitting and do some movement that felt nice. I still use these herbs every coupe of years wgen I need a reminder of what life is really about.

I wish everyone could have this kind of experience, but sometimes all we need is a reminder of how grateful we are that our life took some weird twists and turns.

Whatever your experience or journey, I honor it deeply. We all have our own expressions. And the more we return to our true, untampered nature, there more we can breathe life back into the one that has given it to us.